A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting Trudie, a child care worker in one of our trauma houses for young girls. As manager of childcare services I have a pretty good idea of each child’s situation and what they require in terms of care. Jeanette, a 13-year-old girl, who has been with us for just over a year was hovering in the background and trying to get our attention. I suggested to Trudie that she attend to the child. She turned around, gave Jeanette one look and ordered: “Jeanette, go to your room at once.” I was stunned. Why so harsh? And more, why did the child obey? Apparently Trudie knew the child better than I suspected. She told me that she noticed right away that Jeanette kept pulling at her fringe and this was a sure indicator that she needed time out or she would have one of her hysterical episodes. We cut our discussion short and Trudie went to tend to Jeanette.
This incident reminded me of a discussion I had with a close friend some years back when we our boys were small. The boys were playmates and Alex came to play with my son regularly. I was puzzled by the fact that Alex wore a jersey in the height of summer and can remember thinking to myself that my friend coddled him a bit much. Good manners prevented me from saying anything, but one day I plucked up the courage and asked her what it was with the jersey. She laughed and explained about Alex’s resistance to change. At the start of winter it was equally hard to get him to start wearing warmer clothes.
Rule 1: What the law says
In a child and youth care institution we have many experts and we need to be sure who has the say or for that matter, the responsibility and when. Statutorily the answer is very clear but in practice where the State, the designated personnel, the biological family and the community are all involved, the right answer can become pretty difficult to find and may even change from situation to situation.
Today, the child and youth care centres in our country provide a whole range of services for the child in need of care. An individualised development plan is drawn up for each child and is executed by a multi-disciplinary team consisting of a social worker, house-parent, medical sister, teacher/s (in institutions that also provide education) and management. On top of the pyramid is the Children’s court that placed the child into the care of the institution and that oversees and monitors the progress of the child. The management of the institution in turn oversees the standard of care according to the norms and standards of Child and Youth Care centres as per the Children’s Act. The role of parent (including disciplinarian) and mentor goes to the house-parent/child and youth care worker. The statutory responsibility to manage the child’s development plan belongs to the social worker.
Rule 2: Humility
The episodes related above reminded me of the virtue of humility. I knew and had a relationship with both these children and yet my assumptions regarding both were wrong. I was not the mother and neither was I a substitute parent. That very special role was assigned to a person that we at Abraham Kriel Childcare had selected with great care. My place was to provide support.
Rule 3: Human nature and human relationships remain the same everywhere
I was also reminded of the warnings I give whilst training childcare workers. Human children are designed to survive and part of their survival kit is manipulation. Traumatised children are often of necessity masters of this art, so we have to guard against different role-players in their lives being played off against one another. We have to step lightly when it comes to the authority of the care giver and the fragile trust relationship that is being built between that person and a child in care.
Rule 4: African proverb:- It takes a village to raise a child
Every childcare institution relies heavily on people who are eager to make a difference in the life of a child, either through monetary donations of through giving of themselves. So, where does the interested outsider or the community come into all of this?
It is not difficult. We simply cannot succeed without them!
At satellite or group homes there are usually house-committees that consist of members of the community who devote a lot of time and energy to a specific house. Committee members engage in creating a physical environment that is conducive for the child’s healing and development. They also help in creating opportunities for social participation, recreation and spiritual development that is so vital for the child.
Volunteers provide from an extra set of arms to hold a baby to the coaching of a school leaver for a job interview. They are everywhere and they add value wherever they go.
Rule 5: The best interest of the child. How to balance the scales?
The role players involved in the care of a child comes to quite a number and they all have the best intentions to help the child towards happiness and success. The many opinions of different people on what is in the ‘best interest of the child’ can almost be seen as an abundance of blessings. It can also create conflict between institution staff and the community members that may put stress on the delicate relationships between the child (traumatised and hurt) and the people who are responsible for her. Holding this delicate relationship in balance is no small feat and requires tact, diplomacy and excellent manners. It is worth it, as it is truly in the best interest of a child to respect their care givers, but also to have the benefit of the input of a broad range of people. It is also in their interest that members of the community will serve as watchdogs for a child’s wellbeing to no less a degree than a teacher or a neighbour who watches out for children they come into contact with.
Rule 6: Good manners smooths the way
In looking at the best way to deal with the challenge, it may help to look at one’s relationships with a friend who is also a parent. The respect that one has for them as parents will dictate how one communicates with them regarding their own children. In an institution the house-parent has the parental role as far as the physical and emotional care of a child is concerned. Members of the community should respect this and protect their authority. Input from community members on making improvements in the care of the children is welcome because we are truly better as a team. Yet we need to remember our various positions on that team. The house-parent needs your support and respect as a team player and a friend.
Rule 7: It works both ways
The responsibility of the house-parent in relation to community members, giving freely of their time and their talents should also be to be receptive to new ideas, show appreciation and give cooperation. The house parent may be right when they say that well-meaning outsiders do not ‘know’ the children and neither do they know the needs and behaviour of a traumatised child. That simply means that, especially in the beginning, they have the responsibility to educate community members in a positive and clear way without revealing detailed information on a specific child that can be considered a breach of confidentiality.
Rule 8: Ask!
In all human relationships we should never underestimate the power of asking good questions and of listening very carefully to the answers. If you do not fully understand ask again until you are clear that you understand. It will serve you well to remember that there are two ways in which the asking of questions can be approached and one is very wrong and the other is very right. If you ask to interrogate, do not expect good results. If you ask because you truly wish to learn and understand, you will learn and understand. Ask like a four-year-old who is trying to make sense of the world. It may surprise you how enlightening the experience may be for both parties involved in such a conversation.
Rule 9: Keep the conversation going
For an interested and caring member of the community it may be an easy solution to contribute financially, and this is much needed and highly appreciated. However, some people have special skills or a passion for working with children and want to give of themselves. This gift is too precious to loose and adds value to the service offered by child and youth care centres. The last word has not been spoken about the best way to deal with this. We would like to find out how other organisations do this and what volunteers feel about this while we develop our own understanding of these dynamic relationships.
Maretha van Zyl
Manager: Childcare Services
Abraham Kriel Childcare
For more about Abraham Kriel Childcare, refer to www.abrahamkriel.org or abrahamkriel.tumblr.com.